Sleepless in....roseville?

One of the biggest adjustments since being married has been sharing a bed.

Adam is a cuddler.

I am not.

He wants to fall asleep cuddling with our legs intertwined.

I'm thinking...

"how could anyone sleep with someone touching them??"

To please both parties, we simply cuddle for a couple minutes and then I make my break and turn over.

Peacefully you'll sleep til someone moves, or pooters (Adam's name for a fart), or talks to you.

Having been the first night after chemo, I asked Adam how he was feeling sometime around 5AM.

He tells me he is feeling great.

I think well duh, youre on a tranquilizer.

So I turn over and attempt to go back to sleep when he says,

"I don't want to do chemo again."

With emotions stretching from each side of the spectrum I feel my rubber band to happy snap.

Naturally I start crying.

Ergo, not being able to go back to sleep.

Ergo, early morning blogpost.

It's hard to watch the side effects kick in.

My Adam has never felt this sick.

So nauseous.

So dizzy.

So weak.

More pale than ever.

and then a good nights rest just to do it again in the morning.

I feel helpless and it's hard.

It is emotionally, physically, mentally draining.

People always ask, "how do you do it?"

You do it because you have to. Because you have no other choice and even if you did you wouldn't ever choose it. 

You do it because when you pray to strengthen your marriage every day,

and God gives you cancer,

You just have faith it's going to bring you closer together.

And it has.

And I'm eternally grateful.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.